illusion-of-immortality

The narrator reflects on his existential and emotional journey, contrasting the clarity and vitality of his experiences in Greece with the foggy, indistinct state of his current life. He recounts his struggles with love, self-love, and desire, describing a progression from passionate but naive romanticism to cynical debauchery as a means to cope with his longing for immortality and escape from suffering. Ultimately, he reveals a deep indifference and emotional sclerosis resulting from his lifestyle, which has compromised both his personal life and professional reputation.

In this chapter, Carvajal reveals to Lew the profound psychological burden of having seen his own death in advance, describing it as a curse that destroyed his sense of life's meaning. He explains that while people intellectually accept death, they do not truly believe it will happen to them, maintaining an unconscious illusion of personal immortality. Carvajal's experience strips away this illusion, confining his life within a known boundary and altering his perception of existence.